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CicelyRobinLaing©2014
I had a nightmare just before I woke up this morning.
 
As I lay there half asleep… my mind filled with thoughts. Thought that made me feel bad about myself and the things I do. I was sent down the slippery path of wondering why I don’t get to do certain things that I want to do, or why I don’t feel accepted for who I am, or could be if given a chance. Or why I can’t be a better person for those that I love.
The nightmare made me wonder if every nice thing anyone’s ever said to me, were just empty acts of kindness. That I don’t really see the truth about myself. I don’t see the way others see me and the way I truly am. In my head every voice that ever said “Why did you even bother showing up?” was out in full force. And my little, childlike self confidence just curled up into a ball and rolled under the bed. This kind of mental crap is the real waking nightmare…
 
The mind can be incredibly mean sometimes. Depression can sneak in and spoil things that should be successes. The social pressure to be humble (but great), the selfish needs of the ego and the “aloneness” of being a human, conspire to knock that fragile kite of happiness out of the sky. Even in a strong positive wind a kite can spin out of control and smash into the ground. The wind that holds up my kite is full of the support of kind people. People who have said nice things to me, or shown me love and friendship. And I have been buoyed by the short lasting gusts of life experiences. Experiences that have given me a chance to grow as a human. But that wind can only hold up my kite if the attached string holds tight. And I feel like my string is full of knots and frayed ends.
 
I know I am not alone in my kitemare. There are lots of struggling kites up in this very cloudy sky. And most of us don’t even know what is anchoring us to the earth. But knowing you are not the only one doesn’t really help with the fear. The terrifying fear that comes when you feel the wind drop, and you get that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You don’t even tell yourself to hold on, cause there’s nothing to hold on to. And you try to drum up your own wind. One that’s just strong enough to carry you on until a real wind blows again.
 
But maybe, just maybe, that wind that we make for ourselves is more like a whistle. One that summons a sunny gale or a dark storm. Either way it lifts us up and keeps us going a bit longer. And maybe, our string is stronger because it’s all tangled up in the strings of others. Hopefully those others are entwined friends and not the messy knots of crazy-makers. I hope that I will always have enough breath left to whistle a little.

 
I don’t have a cure for my nightmares or my kitemares. I can’t see a way to make it better because I am already doing the best I can do. And maybe that’s enough. My father told me to do what makes you happy. But I learned soon enough by watching him that life is never just “happy”. “Happy” is often sandwiched in between struggles, grief and pain. You can’t always control things, maybe you can’t control anything. You can try to control yourself, but even that is not always possible. So, there are no answers, only questions and a great deal of effort. I cherish my happy sandwich, even if I wouldn’t mind less bread.
 
So… I guess I finally understand that life is a picnic.
Ants and all…
And if I fall asleep for a nap, I may have a nightmare.
Okay…
Thanks for letting me talk it all out at you.
 
Anyone want to go fly a kite?

In My Dreams by Cicely Robin Laing.


Words & images by Cicely Robin Laing © 2017

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Cicely Robin Laing © 2014

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I don’t have the answers to the woes of the world…
I can’t even solve my own…
but a little fuzzy love…
and mindless distraction…
helps bring the stress level down…

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It’s been that kind of day….

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Hope your’s has been better….

 

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CicelyRobinLaing@2014

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Multi-tasking is a myth…
When the world throws a rainstorm at you, sometimes you just have to take cover…
And let the drops land where they may…

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Why can’t I get everything done?
My artwork, my writing, my laundry, my acting, my teaching, my parenting, my homeschooling, eating, sleeping, breathing, this blog….
Every thing I NEED to get done…
Is an excuse for the OTHER thing I didn’t get done…

I feel like I’ve been trying to juggle raindrops…
Every little thing thrown my way, I’ve tried to catch and do something with…
I try to……………
Learn something…
Control something…
Help something…
Accomplish something…
Document something…
Play with something…
Notice something…
Remember something…
Acknowledge something…
Realize something…
Judge something…
Love something…

And most of all… Do SOMETHING that makes it appear that I know what I’m doing…

What a perfect path for failure…… No one can juggle that many raindrops…

And if you try too hard… in the end all you get is wet… and too tired and distracted to see the rainbow…

I’m ready to get wet…
Ready to enjoy the rainbow…
So, go on world… keep dropping those raindrops…
My sun’s coming out either way….

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Image and words by Cicely Robin Laing © 2014

 

 

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CicelyRobinLaing©2014

 

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They always say, “Ask your kid. They know more about this computer stuff than you old geezers.”…
I have found that that is not always true… after all they have to learn it first some place…
If age has taught me anything about “software”…
It’s that most of my problems can be smoothed over by dark chocolate and a bit of well aged Scotch…
And hardware problems are well beyond my reach when I grab for the sledge hammer…
So, I accept that at some point my children will surpass me when it comes to technology…
But knowledge is not the same as wisdom…
and I have plenty of one and just enough of the other…

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Words and image by Cicely Robin Laing © 2014

 

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CicelyRobinLaing©2014.

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If only chocolate bunnies bred as fast as the furry ones….

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Little Thumper’s tickling my nose…. ACHOOOOOOoooo!

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Oh… yeah… calling rabbits “mutant squirrels” is an inside joke that comes from my crazy fun family…
and yes, we call squirrels “mutant bunnies”…. and you should here us giggling at the zoo or state fair…
no animal is safe… everything is mutant…

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A very belated “Seriously Silly Sunday” post for my September project… Sept. 28th to be exact.

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CicelyRobinLaing © 2014

 

 

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CicelyRobinLaing©2010.

Life is a little like chalk words on a sidewalk…
They are something precious to some…
Ignored by others…
Meaningful…
Playful…
Thoughtful…
Silly…
They are expressions of who we are…
And then the rain comes………………

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A late night post for “Whatever Wednesday”…

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Image and words by Cicely Robin Laing © 2014

 

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CicelyRobinLaing©2014

 

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Why is quick sand never quick…

Why do we say “just a second” when we know it’s really ten minutes…

Why… why do we say “Pull yourself up by your boot straps!”
when the only thing you can pull with boot straps are boots…

And why… why do we tell ourselves, “I’ll just close my eyes for a second.”
when we know we’re going to fall into an exhausted sleep and wake up sometime next week…?

Well… that is what has happened to me. I got behind, I got tired, I said to myself, “I’ll catch up later” and boom…
a day or two off has turned into a week… maybe more. Of course no one really cares… but me.
So I guess someone cares… I care…
I like sharing my silly art and words here… It’s just a blog… but it is my blogginess of blogdom…
And so I will continue to post things… as I can… when I can… knowing that I will be a fickle master to myself…

Really… “I’m up to my eyeballs!” … which is also a silly saying… because if I really was… I’d be dead.
No, I’m just having to sacrifice my selfish bit of “me time”, so I can take care of someone I love.
And by given myself permission not to keep up with my own unrealistic expectations,
I am showing that I also love myself.

Sometime this month I will post the drawings that I did for my October Project… and maybe even catch-up on the last three missing posts from last month. I do… great! If I don’t… that’s okay too… cause life is a fickle time keeper, and I could never keep track anyway…

Thank you to everyone who has contacted me and given me support! It means so much to me that you care.

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and… I still have my hat on….

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