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Posts Tagged ‘Random Thoughts’

CicelyRobinLaing©2014
I had a nightmare just before I woke up this morning.
 
As I lay there half asleep… my mind filled with thoughts. Thought that made me feel bad about myself and the things I do. I was sent down the slippery path of wondering why I don’t get to do certain things that I want to do, or why I don’t feel accepted for who I am, or could be if given a chance. Or why I can’t be a better person for those that I love.
The nightmare made me wonder if every nice thing anyone’s ever said to me, were just empty acts of kindness. That I don’t really see the truth about myself. I don’t see the way others see me and the way I truly am. In my head every voice that ever said “Why did you even bother showing up?” was out in full force. And my little, childlike self confidence just curled up into a ball and rolled under the bed. This kind of mental crap is the real waking nightmare…
 
The mind can be incredibly mean sometimes. Depression can sneak in and spoil things that should be successes. The social pressure to be humble (but great), the selfish needs of the ego and the “aloneness” of being a human, conspire to knock that fragile kite of happiness out of the sky. Even in a strong positive wind a kite can spin out of control and smash into the ground. The wind that holds up my kite is full of the support of kind people. People who have said nice things to me, or shown me love and friendship. And I have been buoyed by the short lasting gusts of life experiences. Experiences that have given me a chance to grow as a human. But that wind can only hold up my kite if the attached string holds tight. And I feel like my string is full of knots and frayed ends.
 
I know I am not alone in my kitemare. There are lots of struggling kites up in this very cloudy sky. And most of us don’t even know what is anchoring us to the earth. But knowing you are not the only one doesn’t really help with the fear. The terrifying fear that comes when you feel the wind drop, and you get that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You don’t even tell yourself to hold on, cause there’s nothing to hold on to. And you try to drum up your own wind. One that’s just strong enough to carry you on until a real wind blows again.
 
But maybe, just maybe, that wind that we make for ourselves is more like a whistle. One that summons a sunny gale or a dark storm. Either way it lifts us up and keeps us going a bit longer. And maybe, our string is stronger because it’s all tangled up in the strings of others. Hopefully those others are entwined friends and not the messy knots of crazy-makers. I hope that I will always have enough breath left to whistle a little.

 
I don’t have a cure for my nightmares or my kitemares. I can’t see a way to make it better because I am already doing the best I can do. And maybe that’s enough. My father told me to do what makes you happy. But I learned soon enough by watching him that life is never just “happy”. “Happy” is often sandwiched in between struggles, grief and pain. You can’t always control things, maybe you can’t control anything. You can try to control yourself, but even that is not always possible. So, there are no answers, only questions and a great deal of effort. I cherish my happy sandwich, even if I wouldn’t mind less bread.
 
So… I guess I finally understand that life is a picnic.
Ants and all…
And if I fall asleep for a nap, I may have a nightmare.
Okay…
Thanks for letting me talk it all out at you.
 
Anyone want to go fly a kite?

In My Dreams by Cicely Robin Laing.


Words & images by Cicely Robin Laing © 2017

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Water and waves…
Blues… Greens…
Chicory and hickory bark…
One step forward and one step back
Dropping petals from my hand
Found a penny hidden in the sand
One step forward, one step back
Lost that penny…
Still…
Buried treasure in the sand
Blues and greens
The river flows, it never stops
My thoughts travel with it…
Flowers in a toy boat
Ripples traveling outward
A row boat
Tickling my mind
Pirates…
Desperados…
Tiny crickets in tuxedos…
Everything… and nothing at all
Singing of water and waves
Petals dropping from my hand
Blues…
Greens…
Lost in the sand
Still…

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Day 16 of National Poetry Month – a Stream of Conscience Poem

Words and Image by Cicely Robin Laing © 2017

 

 

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2015 improvathon square Bad Bunny

 

I’ve been here almost 24 hours… My brain is slowly creeping into an oblivion…
28 hours straight of live improv theater… it must be love… and it is…

I am drunk on lack of sleep and delirious on the love and hilarity of this wonderful community….  Ahhhhhh… and I got to do improv with my lovely insane children… such a family!

Why do you ask?  Because this is the day I give my all to raise money for the best creative family any where.  It’s late but not too late…

If you want to help… there are just two hours left to donate… but really you could donate anytime…  Any of these links will get you to the place to donate…

Bad Bunny Improv

Mirabeau’s Iron Audience

HUGE Theater Give to the Max Day Page

HUGE Improv Theater


Here’s a bit of stuff I wrote at the beginning of my sleep deprivation…

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HUGE Theater is our home away from home!
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I’m not very good at writing these sorts of things, but I am going to give it my best try.
Why should you donate to HUGE Improv Theater? Because HUGE is more than just the best long form improv theater ever, it is more than artist, member and volunteer run, it is more than a place to find your voice both on the stage and in your life, HUGE is so, so, so much more.  HUGE is a community that is so supportive, so caring, so nurturing, that they are family!
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Those of you who know our family, know that the last several years have been very difficult. And our future will continue to be filled with challenges and stress. But, our involvement with HUGE Theater has been an amazing bright spot in so much darkness. I can literally tell you that being involved at HUGE as a volunteer and as a performer has saved my life. It has also helped my kids find their voices, become confident on stage and beyond, and see first hand how to build the kind of community we all want to live in.
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Your donation will not only help keep the lights on and the doors open at HUGE, but it will help fund scholarships for students in need. Our family has benefitted from this great program. Support not only a great artistic endeavor, support a beautiful, unique group of people. Our family and home away from home… HUGE Improv Theater!
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Thank you!

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CicelyRobinLaing©2014

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Life can be a lonely place…

Even surrounded by people

The ache of solitude can get so strong.

An overwhelming tide of responsibilities

The undertow of everyone else’s happiness

The grinding sands of your own failings and flaws

All you want is love, a little intimacy

Someone to take care of you for a little while.

The touch of a hand on your cheek,

A shoulder strong enough to hold all your tears.

Life is a lonely place…

Sometimes the only person left to pick you up is you

It hurts so bad

The exhaustion of just existing drags you down

It becomes an evil cycle of just maintaining

But not well enough to get ahead.

Every failure becomes the truth

And every success, a short lived lucky shot.

The spiral into darkness is not a choice

It is an unplanned ride down a greased spiral slide.

Once at the bottom you have to choose

Live there or try to climb back out…

Life is lonely…

We walk the Earth in a soft solitary shell

Touching those around us, but rarely ever joining

When we finally shuffle off this mortal coil

All we have are the choices we made in this life.

The way we touched others and how we cared for the world

We don’t need to be perfect, or strong

We don’t need to be happy, or a “success”

We just need to be ourselves…

Life is… lonely…

But

We are not alone.

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Thank you to everyone who joined me for the month of April… the NaPoWriMo challenge of writing a poem everyday was, I hope, a success.  I have to admit some days were harder than others. But writing is a good way to get out feelings I can’t really voice in any other way.  If you have read this far, you have likely read my poem above… I do live with depression, and I have loved ones who also struggle with it… including two of my children. I can not take the pain away, but I can understand. I can tell you that even in your most deepest, darkest pit… you are not alone. I’m right there next to you………….. and if you just reach out, I will enfold you in my arms and we will hug each other in the darkness…………………..  If enough of us hug each other, eventually a little sunshine will break through… and a little laughter is sure to follow.

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Image and words by Cicely Robin Laing © 2015

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CicelyRobinLaing©2015

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I’ve been out circling the sun again…

Time has warped and I’ve returned aged and worn…

Re-entry has left me shaky… weak in the knees…

I remember where I belong… but I am torn…

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The stars call to me… they speak of mystery and joy…

My soul travels on space dust… and suns reborn…

But my home base needs me… feeds me… tethers me…

Earth bound, alive… with heavy gravity it’s borne…

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Responsibility calls…  staking me to the ground…

Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter … my children forlorn…

I am here now… I do cherish them, caring for all…

But at night… I gaze at the skies and mourn….

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The sun has been circling round again…

Space is warped and I am as time will adorn…

In stolen moments I break beyond the atmosphere…

Traveling in stories… my mind breaking gravity’s scorn…

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I have been gone from this place for a while. Life has kept me busy with all the full gravity of parenting and the daily chores of staying alive. Somehow, whenever I come back to this blog, after being away for awhile, I feel like I owe some sort of explanation or apology. But what can I say… I am a human being who sways with the wind. Sometimes it lays me flat, sometimes I can stand tall, most of the time I just curve with its twists and turns, waiting for a calm.

I have not stopped telling my stories… I have been writing, drawing and mostly been sharing my weird form of story telling in improvised performances. I can not always keep up with all the forms of expression I like. Productivity requires a quiet space… and that is in short supply. Life has become a tornado… I am still waiting for the calm.  I doubt it will come…

So, I am back here to give the National Poetry Writing Month thing a try… as crazy busy as I am… I hope to post something every day… Those of you who know what I have been going through, will know how crazy this idea is… But success can’t come if I don’t flirt a bit with failure… I invite you to come along for the ride… 

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When re-entry comes again…
And I feel the atmospheric burn…
Death will hold no fear for me…
I have already lived a long full turn…

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Images and words all original by Cicely Robin Laing © 2015

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CicelyRobinLaing©2014

 

My heart is really full right now…
Life is full… and I never feel like I’m big enough to handle it all.
It seems like I can never be everywhere I want to be…
or with the people I love when I wish to be…
I am divided between a dozen wants and needs and I can only do one or two…
I am floating down the river of life in my tiny row boat…
just bumping into other rowboats…
each filled with people I love…
We drift in and out of reach…
We pass a touch here… a moment there…
a gift is exchanged… a memory is made…
but it never seems enough…
We can never really do more than hook up our boats temporarily…
We can never leave our own boats…
Tonight I am alone…
I trail my hand in the water…
Thinking of water lilies… frogs… and fish…
Tonight I know someone I love will need me…
And I can’t get to them…
I know someone I love may step off their boat and sink beneath the water…
And I will not get to say goodbye…
I know that my best intentions will never be enough…
I try and give of myself as much as I think I can…
And still remain myself…
I tie little strings… like fishing lines… to other boats…
But they break…
My best gift is a smile… a bit of laughter… sent across the water…
I am alone…
But I am not lonely…
The river is crowded…
I just need to come to terms with the fact that I am just one soul…
In just one tiny boat…
Traveling along the with the current…
Beneath the stars…
A ripple in the stream of time…
One soul…
Flawed and full of doubts…
But also full of love…
I may not be enough for everyone…
But I must learn to be enough for myself…
And that will have to do…
My heart is full…
Full of thoughts of you…

 

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For Mary…. and her boat for two…

 

Cicely Robin Laing © 2015

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CicelyRobinLaing©2012

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The World spins…

She doesn’t notice if you…

or I…

are here…

She doesn’t notice…

if we are… not…

The World just…

is…

I…

I breathe…

in and out…

My breath a tiny gust of air…

I… am…

just a mote of dust…

Drifting…

Perhaps landing for a moment on her shoulder…

The feather touch of her motion…

and I am… afloat again…

As she spins…

I don’t mind…

I breathe…

She gives me my breath…

And sometime…

she will take it away…

I…

I am nothing…

Like that mote of dust…

Nothing to notice…

But still…

a World can not be without dust…

Dust is important too…

Stop and notice it…

for a few moments…

When it’s dancing in the sun light…

Or giving you a place to trace your finger… leaving a mark…

Disturb it… and it just settles somewhere else…

Where enough gathers…

It becomes earth…

And the World spins…

We hardly notice…

She spins…

I… breathe…

I am nothing to her…

She is everything to me…

Still I matter…

because I am part of her…

I get to be that mote of dust…

Dancing in the sunlight for a little while…

Maybe the other motes of dust will notice…

And dance with me too…

for a little while…

We’ll breathe…

She’ll spin…

The Universe won’t notice…

and that’s okay…

because…

We…

matter…

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I have been here… but gone…

Now, I am back… still breathing… unnoticed…

and that’s okay…

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Words and image by Cicely Robin Laing © 2015

 

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